Communications Blog • Kristin Magette

Honey, a funnel, and trauma

August 7, 2019 by Kristin Magette Filed Under: Fulfilling Life Leave a Comment

If you didn’t already know, I’m a big fan of psychotherapy. Call it going to a therapist, a counselor, or a shrink. I don’t care about the name; the benefits are what matter.

It’s been awhile since we realized our family needed help finding our way back from a very painful year in 2016. We have since had a lot of therapy — sometimes individually, sometimes together. I’d estimate I have personally attended 17,500 therapy sessions, if I combine my own sessions with the ones I’ve attended with one of my kids, or with my husband. (Actually, that’s probably an exaggeration.)

But the dozens upon dozens of sessions have taught me so much — and they have ultimately led me to try to support others. Help them listen to the wisdom of their bodies. Help them understand the trauma the nervous system navigates on a regular basis. Help them make their wellness a priority.

Think of the last time you’ve found yourself…

raising your voice in an argument with a coworker
driving away from a close call or near-miss accident
watching a violent video clip on the news
receiving rude treatment from a stranger at the store
witnessing a racist or otherwise hurtful confrontation
hearing troubling news about a loved one
being startled by a sound or buzz coming from your phone
reading a hurtful or upsetting comment on social media

Trauma is part of our daily lives — and it’s often much more subtle than a sudden death, natural disaster, or house fire. Those experiences are objectively traumatic, of course. But small things add up, too. And no matter how small or big, our nervous systems process it all.

Having worked in school public relations, I have felt the small things adding up. Planning for unthinkable crises, softening the blow of shocking news, witnessing otherwise-invisible poverty, feeling the exposure of managing high-profile social media accounts. I’ve felt those small things add to the small things that are simply part of everyday life. And I’ve felt the extra weight on top of all that, from the loss of loved ones (three losses in four months — four losses if you count our sweet old dog), and it’s a lot.

Really, it’s too much.

A day not too long ago, I was transferring my favorite local honey — pouring it from the large quart jar a friend delivers, to the small honey bear that sits on my counter. I knew from experience that if I poured too much, or too quickly, I’d have a mess on my hands. After all, honey can only pass through that skinny outlet so quickly.

And I realized: Our nervous system is like that funnel. In fact, scientists tell us that the human body is hard-wired to release a trauma response naturally, using such reflexive responses as tears, goosebumps, spontaneous deep breaths, shaking/tingling, or brief changes in temperature to regulate.

On any given day, one tiny traumatic moment — a few drops of honey — flows through the funnel easily, perhaps even unnoticed. The messy trouble comes when the trauma is either too large, too compounded, or comes too quickly, for our nervous system to process it.

I learned in therapy that anytime we find ourselves saying …

“too much” … “too soon” … “too fast” … or “not enough” for too long

…we need to pay attention. Our nervous system is overwhelmed, and it needs time to release. And as my therapist likes to say,

You get there faster by going slowly.

The things I’m learning from therapy could never be contained in one blog post. There will be more to come.

But to my school PR friends, not to mention all the moms and dads out there: As you navigate the overwhelm of back to school, I hope you’ll pay attention to your funnel. If it’s full to the brim, it will take time (and patience) to empty. If it’s overflowing into a mess, I feel you. Healing is possible, and a great therapist (or counselor, or shrink) can help.

I’m definitely not a therapist, in real life or online. I owe a deep debt of gratitude to my therapist, Candy Smith, and her practice of Somatic Experiencing, a neurobiological approach to treating psychological distress and the many ways it affects our bodies, lives, and wellness. The compassionate work of Candy and another area SE practitioner has helped me heal, and helped my family heal.

(I share because of how profoundly SE has influenced my sense of wellness, as well as my relationships with family and friends. I receive no monetary benefit from sharing, and I don’t even think Candy is taking new clients at the time I’m writing this.)

If you are struggling, no longer feel like yourself, find yourself agitated or anxious for no apparent reason, or otherwise don’t feel like life can be lived fully, please find a SE practitioner near you or consider other options for professional, trauma-informed support. Healing takes courage and patience, but it is possible — and it is entirely worth it.

Priorities of a Joyful Life (Guest Blogger: Lesley Bruinton, APR)

February 17, 2019 by Kristin Magette Filed Under: Fulfilling Life 1 Comment

It was a rainy Monday night, and my daughter hopped in the car after a grueling practice. In the process, she stepped on my brand new book. With. Her. Wet. Shoes.

All it took was a glance at my face for her to know I was not pleased. All it took for me, was a look at her face for me to see that I was about to crush her spirit. I knew then: I had an opportunity.

I exhaled and said, “You are worth more to me than the book.”

In an instant, her face softened. I knew then I had been set free.

So many times we tell our kids to get their priorities straight. And then we stand before others and tell them about our focus: Faith. Family. Then Everything Else. The reality is that it is easier said than done.

The pursuit of happiness won’t bring you what you really seek — joy. That deep-down feeling that all is right with your world. But how do you find joy, when women of today are told we can have it all — only to be reminded of this futile pursuit of perfection when we browse Pinterest boards in search of projects to pin that we’ll never complete?

I want to be viewed as a woman who loves big, laughs loud, and creates beauty. I am choosing to create the life I have always wanted to lead.

Strangely, in the past two months, I didn’t just create more minutes in my day — I created more moments. Instead of lamenting that I don’t have time to do this or that, I decided to be more productive by doing the things I value. I’ve had more time to read, write, create, meditate, pray, visit, laugh, love, and share. (I’ve even slept better, too!)

I gave myself permission to focus on the things I find important, by saying no to things that weren’t — instead of feeling obligated to comply.

Six days after that fateful rainy night, my family’s day was jam-packed with activities for kids. I called an audible and announced we’d take a side trip — to a museum and a yummy lunch spot. Instead of complaining about the long wait, we took it in and enjoyed the time together. That’s when my daughter asked me to take a photo of her.

I am convinced that this is the image I was supposed to see: Arms outstretched, head rocked back, and feet off the ground. That is joy!

We cannot help others or express gratitude with our arms folded. We cannot see the beauty in life with our heads down. We cannot experience joy by dragging our feet.

This much, I know: If I want to experience joy, I must have my priorities right: Faith. Family. And Then Everything Else.

Lesley and I met a few years ago through our school PR connections, and this awesome little thing called #k12PRchat. As our friendship has grown over communications strategies and best practices, so has our connection around living our best lives, without excuse. When we started texting about the new book that got stomped on, I knew there was a guest blog waiting to happen.

Lesley took her daughter’s photo at MELT, an Alabama restaurant where restaurant goers can pose with the angel wings mural. Follow Lesley on Twitter here.

Nothing is ever the same

February 10, 2019 by Kristin Magette Filed Under: Fulfilling Life, Growth & change 7 Comments

“Everything we know is going to change.”

I will never forget my husband’s words. Although I can’t remember exactly what prompted them, I remember where we were standing. And I remember that he was focused and serious.

It was 2016, and a month or two after colon cancer had taken his 39-year-old twin sister. My one and only twin-law. We were in the kitchen, and it was a short conversation. But his words still ring in my ears, nearly three years later.

Everything is going to change.

The intensity of his eyes and voice were unmistakable; I took note. And I fought the urge to understand exactly what everything is going to change might mean to my nicely engineered life of job and husband teaching and kids growing and summer trips to the lake. Somehow, I resisted the temptation to figure out this passing prophecy. And somehow, I wasn’t afraid.

Today, I can’t help but look back at three years navigating. We have steered through grief, joy, loss, gain, fear, faith — change — and I realize now that I never could have understood the details of those kitchen words in 2016. But, indeed. Everything has changed.

We are growing. The kids are bigger. Our courage is, too.

We are letting go. Of the trap notion that our value comes from what we do — how much — and how quickly.

We are healing. With therapy, self care, and more grace than I can possibly explain.

And while we still live in the same house in the same town — with the same carpet and kitchen appliances that I pray will change soon — nothing is the same.

Emily taught me a lot, both before and after she died. She taught me to get excited about little things. To laugh too loud. To mildly annoy others with how many pictures you take. To trust God with everything. To live a life of loving others.

And whether I learned this from her, or from her passing, Emily also taught me to find happiness. Not to settle. To allow for change. To pursue what’s best for my family, without feeling compelled to explain.

She taught me to accept that everything can — and sometimes should — change. And most importantly, she taught me that the pursuit of uncommon wellness is always worth it.

In this spirit, I hope you’ll keep your eyes open for a new focus on my website. I’m going to start sharing more about the life I’m leading, especially my passion for authenticity, vulnerability, courage, and, of course, health and happiness. I’ll invite you to help me explore how kindness and compassion transform our lives. Together, we’ll navigate a path to live our best life and help others do the same.

We’ll weave it all together with laughter and love — and all the space needed to create uncommon wellness in this crazy and wonderful life.

Everything is going to change. And it’s going to be good.

Work. Live. Be Well.

February 10, 2019 by Kristin Magette Filed Under: Uncommon Wellness 1 Comment

“Where do you see yourself in five years?”

It was a fair question to ask in a job interview. I was 26 and had my entire adult life ahead.

My answer, “I don’t have any idea,” was just as honest as it may have been ill advised. But he smiled.

I went on to explain that, five years prior I could never have predicted I’d find myself sitting with him at the country club in a small city in central Kansas. So how could I possibly imagine myself five years into the future?

In the nearly 20 years since that interview, it’s become clear to me that he smiled because he knew. Late in his own professional life, he knew a career could rarely be predicted. The opportunities, the barriers, the changes. The nearly constant need for adaptation. He probably knew life’s twists and turns, as well. Relationships, marriages, divorces. Baby showers and funeral dinners.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned since then — as someone who cares about both work and family — it’s how to juggle. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned about this juggling act, it’s that some balls can drop — and others can’t.

When there are too many balls in the air, what do you let drop for a short time? The e-mail replies, the extra project, the laundry folding, or department meeting? Or do you drop the lunch date with your aging parent? The unexpected chat with your teenager before school, or extra toddler snuggles before bed? Do you drop making your own health a priority, cutting back on sleep, physical activity or nourishing food?

The more I saw myself as an overloaded juggler — deciding which balls would fall, and which would continue to get my focus — the more I more clearly I began to see what I now call uncommon wellness. What does it mean to be uncommonly well?

It means investing in your health holistically — body, mind, and spirit.
It means understanding how to use the time you have, for the things you want most.
It means setting (and enforcing) clear boundaries that put you and your family, ahead of work.
It means never apologizing for sick days — mental health days — or vacation days.
It means watching for signs that you need a walk, or a breather. And then doing that.
It means feeding your body the food it needs to be strong and healthy — and enjoying a favorite treat without shame.
It means speaking your truth with conviction. Even when it’s hard. Especially then.
It means treating your gut well, knowing that it affects the rest of your health and happiness.
It means knowing when to let go of unhealthy work, habits, and relationships.
It means making the time to connect and laugh with people you care about.
It means listening to your intuition — and trusting what it says.
It means only saying, Just living the dream!, when you are, indeed, living your dream.
It means knowing your true worth as a human is not tied to what you do — or how much.
And it means the certain belief that your wellness makes you a better employee, parent, spouse, friend, and neighbor.

This has been a learning process for me, a focus that has taken up firm residence in my life since I began to pay attention. It’s a path of reflection and small daily action — certainly not perfection. And it’s available to anyone willing to join me along the way.

And I hope you will join me. Because once you begin to experience uncommon wellness, you realize it’s worth each and every sacrifice required. Your friends and family deserve the best you. And you deserve it, too.

It looks like home. But where am I?

February 9, 2019 by Kristin Magette Filed Under: Thoughtful work, Work from Home Leave a Comment

“You sound disoriented,” a friend said.

And three months into my transition from going to the office, to working from a home office, it was the perfect word.

After all, time is a funny thing. And there is a strange sensation that comes with choosing how to spend your time, especially after 12.5 years working in school public relations. It is a wonderfully fulfilling and creative profession that delivers challenges by the moment. Something new, every day, feels like triage at times. And for me, most days felt largely defined by the shifting demands that popped up.

The last three months, waking up to no e-mail messages (or work-related texts, or social media notifications) has been an adjustment. Each morning, I get to choose where to start. And, each morning, I have to choose where to start.

That can be overwhelming.

“I was so used to fitting a lot into the cracks of my day,” I told my friend. “And somehow, even though I have more time, suddenly I feel like I don’t have enough for all of it. I have more time and less time, at the same time. It makes no sense.”

Disoriented indeed.

My challenge in working remotely is to find fulfillment in my work day. A sense of accomplishment, forward motion, and value to my employer. This requires orienting to the time in a day, in a totally different way. Here are three things I’ve found that help:

Time blocking. Without the daily meetings and office drop-in visits, I can largely control my day. Blocking time for short- and long-range deadlines helps me know exactly how to spend each hour of my day to ensure I’m making progress. This scheduling process also ensures I’m focused on high-priority tasks, and not the little, low-priority work that can inadvertently gobble up the minutes and hours. I also identify the non-negotiable time blocks (time sensitive deadline, for example) and the flexible time blocks (I can eat lunch or take a short walk any time). This helps me quickly see exactly where I can give and take in a day.
Personal development. Try as I might, I can’t always drum up work assignments or deadlines. But no matter what a day may (or may not) bring, I can always focus on growing as a person and professional. It is well worth it to set aside an hour to read a professionally useful book or connect with a colleague to discuss big ideas unrelated to a specific project. Setting aside time for personal development was often a goal in my school PR days, but it was rarely reality. I am grateful for the chance now to make up for lost time, and have even kicked off a long-distance book study with a few colleagues in my new job.
Grace and flexibility. Whether you work in an office, or from home, some days are better than others. Remembering that is key, especially in a day in the home office that feels like nothing more than a series of fits and starts. I have found the best months are planned one week at a time, with the room to adjust as needed each day. And challenges certainly still come up without warning, even outside of school PR. Grace and flexibility are the tools I learned long ago to help me adapt, think on my feet, and clear my schedule to meet those moments head-on.

As the weeks and months pass, I know the ebb and flow of my work days will become more familiar. In the meantime, I’m enjoying the process of adjusting to the curious marriage of both discipline and flexibility that are required of working from home.

But really, this process boils down to investing in my own growth. And that’s a win-win, in any job.

Ending. Beginning. Living.

November 5, 2018 by Kristin Magette Filed Under: Fulfilling Life, Growth & change, Thoughtful work 14 Comments

I’m better at beginnings than endings.

Which is why I’ve been staring at this screen for days and thinking about it (actively ignoring it) for weeks.

Because there’s something about saying goodbye to an incredible 12 years working in school public relations — that leaves me speechless. (Never mind that my next job has the word “writer” in the title. And suddenly I have no words.)

Looking forward makes so much sense. It is opportunity. Adventure. Uncharted paths. No details, just broad, beautiful brush strokes.

But looking back is different. It’s a painting with broad and narrow strokes. Dots and lines. Shadows and light. It’s both subtle and loud, at once.

It’s too complex for words.

“But you’ve learned so much,” I tell myself. “You’ve connected with so many. This work has changed your life. Find the words. Write them down. Document.”

It’s true. School PR has changed my life. It’s given me purpose. It’s given me an identity. It’s given me an incredible community of friends who feel like family. It’s made me a better human.

As months became years, school PR became a profession I loved, deep in my soul. A personal calling. The chance to create positive systems and programs that help kids and families. The opportunity to leverage new tools and elevate authentic engagement. Caring for all students and grappling with the issues of cultural competence, from race and religion to the gender spectrum. Doing right when faced with sexual assault, violence, drugs, suicide, mental illness.

If public education is the nation’s guardian of an informed electorate — democracy — then school PR is the conscience that listens, sees, guides and seeks to solve. As practitioners we are at our best, behind closed doors. Wrestling with the most difficult, uncomfortable but impossible-to-ignore problems that society faces. Because those same problems live right here, in our schools and communities. And our students deserve our very best, every day.

My love for this profession runs deep. And it swallowed me whole.

It isn’t easy to admit that last part, mostly because many people probably saw someone who looked at the top of her game. It’s hard to share that my fierce love for this work eventually let me down. That my therapist told me I likely wouldn’t be entirely peaceful and well, so long as I was managing a social media community. That the years of life-and-death political advocacy burned me up. That I cared too much.

I’m guessing my school PR friends can relate to the feelings of overwhelm and burnout that brought me here. The feeling when you know you care, too much. Of surviving to bring the good fight, for one more day.

But this I know: Life isn’t about surviving. It’s about living.

To my school PR friends … I hope you will use boundaries and self care to be well, and keep serving. This profession needs people like you. The world needs people like you, doing this work.

And with that, my new beginning. It will be about seeing my husband and kids more. It will be about being just a mom at school. About snow days without burden. About July and August without the stress of trying to launch that space shuttle we call Back To School. And about school board meeting nights without, well, school board meetings.

Don’t get me wrong: I will always love school PR. And there isn’t a thing on that list, or even over the last 12 years in this work, that triggers regret or resentment. (Well, not counting two complete website migrations in under a year. Ha.)

But it is time to say yes to something new. It is time to listen to friends who have encouraged and nudged me forward.

It is time to rediscover my joy.

Strategic leadership in the social media age

March 27, 2018 by Kristin Magette Filed Under: Personal branding, Social Media, Strategic Communications, Thoughtful work Leave a Comment

I’m a big fan of social media in schools.

(If you know me, this comes as no surprise.)

I write about it. Speak about it. Reflect on it. Push boundaries for it.

I believe in it.

But the last few years have been harder. More voices, less clarity. More complex challenges, fewer clear-cut solutions. Time and again, I find myself sensing that we have moved from simple questions of how to create and manage accounts, to how to provide strategic leadership and communications in an increasingly complex and social-driven world.

The challenge is great, and the toll this environment takes on communicators and leaders is real. But what if I told you …

the conflicts you confront on social media — often outside of official district spaces — help you build trust in your community.
social media could be your best friend in a crisis.
these tools increase your power as an advocate in any political climate.
policies and procedures are still your best bet to manage risk and protect you and your employees.
the complicated and often frustrating dynamics you face have actually made social media more valuable to your school system.

When I talk to school PR friends and other education leaders, it’s clear we all share these struggles. No district is immune, whether large or small, urban or rural, right- or left-leaning. But when we approach our work with strategy and a leadership mindset, the voices become clearer. The challenges become simpler.

I am excited to lead a one-day workshop on July 15 in Anaheim, in conjunction with the National School Public Relations Association annual seminar. We will dig into these issues (and much more). And I guarantee we will have fun — because the ability to laugh is invaluable when you’re a leader navigating in the age of social media.

I invite you to learn with me. Explore with me. Laugh with me. Grow with me.

Join me.

Click here for details about the session and instructions to register. Not a communications professional? Not attending NSPRA? You are welcome to join us — there is a stand-alone registration option just for you!

Find Your True North

January 12, 2018 by Kristin Magette Filed Under: Fulfilling Life, Growth & change 2 Comments

True North. In scientific terms, it’s the direction along the earth’s surface towards the geographic North Pole. In personal terms, I’d define it as clear, non-negotiable values. That magnetic pull that points to your authentic self.

My 2017 was a year of reflection, self discovery, vulnerability and personal growth. Hard work, but so rewarding.

(And, quite frankly, a relative relief following a 2016 full of losses and grief. At least healing was underway.)

A year that began with restlessness and doubt — and far more questions than answers — became a path toward clarity. Uncovering my core values and beginning to intentionally lead my life in that direction. My True North.

Sometimes I learned I was asking the wrong questions. (No wonder I wasn’t finding answers.) Other times I realized I was working far too hard. After all, True North isn’t about hustle — it’s about heart. It’s about listening, and being still. And so 2017 shifted my perspective, deepened my faith and reminded me that worth and value exist not outside, but inside.

One of the friends who encouraged, supported and influenced me all year long urged me to share this path with others who seek the deep, pure peace that comes when you know your purpose on earth. And when the path for an authentic life is revealed.

Enter: True North Challenge.

It’s a free, five-day online challenge (in a closed Facebook group). Jan. 15-19, maybe a bonus day on the 20th. And you’re invited if you’re ready to sort out your path and find clarity — whether it be in a relationship, career decision or other life change.

Or maybe you just like self discovery — you are welcome, too!

There are no strings attached … simply reflection and encouragement in a safe space. There’s no better way to start to a new year.

If you are ready to trade restless for purpose, and orient to your own True North … join me!